So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
