There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
