i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
