dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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