if i can run in heels then i can drive
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
