I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
