i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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