Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
