once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
