If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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