I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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