Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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