I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
