Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
