yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
