Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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