I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
