if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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