i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
