Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
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Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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