meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
