also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.