And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
