shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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