There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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