I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
