I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
