I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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