The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just cropdusted the office
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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