so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
