you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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