I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
