I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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