i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
