no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he was CRYING into my vagina
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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