i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
