It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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