I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
the liver wants what the liver wants
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
