You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
