I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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