she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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