my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I won't apologize to a one balled man
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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