So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am one with the molecules
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
