dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
