I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
