textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
