I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
