OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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