if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize