My liver just broke up with me...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
