This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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