well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
im on a boat
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