i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
