how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
