due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
