Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
