i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
