god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
