I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
