He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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